I have never ‘brought my whole self to work’. I’m high-masking autistic. It’s not disingenuous or deceitful, it’s survival.
I hate buzzwords in general but this (buzz phrase?) is one of my least favourites because it makes me feel incredible guilt and shame every time I hear it. I feel that if I try to explain my autistic masking, people will misinterpret that as me admitting to being fake or deceitful in some way. Masking doesn’t stop me being good at my job, from being productive or adding value. But it does make me feel guilty, because surely if being authentically ‘me’ were good enough, I could do that in all areas of my life and feel confident that I’d be accepted. Masking isn’t me lying. I’m not pretending to be better than I am at my job or making out I have different experience or skills. I’m just suppressing the parts of me that won’t fit in. Things about myself that I’ve learnt over time, from both implicit and explicit feedback, are not widely accepted.
I mask by forcing eye contact when it is incredibly uncomfortable for me. I mask in the ways I speak, move and communicate. I mask by hiding my sensory sensitivities and pushing through overwhelm. I mask by hiding or forgoing my self-regulating behaviours.
Autistic masking isn’t fraudulent. It’s a safety mechanism that we learn to use from a young age to better fit into neurotypical society and not be shamed or shunned for appearing different. I’m aware that it is also a privilege that I hold, to even be able to mask. Because although it’s exhausting, you still really need it in many situations, just to get through the door. You have to ‘fit in’ to just get in in the first place. And then you have to keep it up. Constantly. And it is physically and mentally draining.
My discomfort goes deeper still because, being late diagnosed, I don’t even think I can unmask now, at least not fully. I’ve masked my entire life and have no frame of reference for what my unmasked self looks like in a work environment. I hope one day I’ll get there, but it isn’t a simple process.
So please, don’t ask us to bring our whole selves to work, at least not until you’ve created environments where it is genuinely safe for everyone to do this.
(And please don’t tell me “everyone changes the way they act in different situations” because yes, of course they do, but autistic masking is a whole other level on top of that!)