I love Christmas. Mostly.
There are so many amazing things to look forward to. But it also comes with a lot of stress – which I know is probably the case for a lot of people, especially those of us who are parents of small children or who have other caring responsibilities. There are some things which, as an autistic person, I find particularly stressful about the festive season. Recently I’ve been working out how to better accommodate myself so I can reduce these stressors and celebrate Christmas in a way that works for me.
(I think it’s really important to add a disclaimer here to say these are the things that affect me personally. It’s so important not to play into the harmful stereotypes of autistic people and clarify that we are all very different and will all have very varied experiences. If you want to know more about how each autistic individual experiences the world, just ask them and really listen!)
Things I find tough and how I accommodate those
Change of Routine
The holidays bring with them lots of changes to my usual routine, which can be great and means I get to do lots of different things that I enjoy. But for me, I need to balance this with an element of familiarity. That might mean sticking to certain parts of my usual routine through the holidays, for example eating the same breakfast each day or going out for the same walk I usually do at lunchtime. Then there are the Christmas routines that are familiar and bring back good memories from previous years. I’m a big fan of traditions and we have lots of things we do each year without fail, that signal it’s coming up to Christmas and give that sense of familiarity. In my house that’s watching Bad Santa early in December (not one for the kids!), listening to cheesy Christmas songs while decorating the tree and filling my son’s advent calendar which my grandma made for me as a child. Building in a sense of familiarity really helps me feel safe and comfortable.
Socialising and Energy Management:
My energy levels are generally lower in the winter and the additional hours of dark, colder weather and inevitable rounds of winter bugs tend to leave me with an even lower social battery than usual. Couple that with increased expectations to socialise, especially in larger groups, new locations and with people I don’t often spend time with, and I’m heading towards burnout before we’re even halfway through December. I used to push through and sign up for all the social events because I felt like I ought to, and because everyone else seemed to enjoy it so I thought I was in the wrong for finding it all such a struggle and a drain.
Now I take a different approach and set realistic expectations for myself. I prioritise the things I actually enjoy and build in plenty of rest and recovery time after any social events. That probably means I’ll turn down invitations to bigger social gatherings, focussing on time with my family and in less overwhelming locations. So definitely no trips to the Manchester Christmas markets for me! Being selective and managing my energy levels means I can ensure I’m able to do the things which are more energy-heavy but that I really want to be able to do, for example the school nativity play, which means lots of noise, crowds and chaos, but is well worth protecting my social battery for.
Sensory Overwhelm
I personally have a lot of sensory sensitivities, and there are lots of things at Christmas, and in the winter in general, that I struggle with from this perspective. I love decorations, but in certain settings they can be overwhelming. Think shops full of extra flashing and bright lights, loud Christmas music blaring, crowds of people bustling into you and pine scented everything. And winter clothes that seem specifically designed to aggravate my nervous system – scarves, gloves, long sleeves inside more long sleeves all leave me feeling suffocated, and then the rapidly changing temperatures as you move from inside to outside. Winter is a challenge to the senses and while I love cuddling up in front of a fire, I’d definitely take the summer any time.
So I control what I can. I’m in strict control of the settings on the lights on our tree and it’s a great excuse to light the fire, set out lots of candles and turn off the dreaded ‘big light’. And one small bonus of the dark nights and mornings is that I can sleep better as I’m usually super sensitive to light, even with double layers of blackout curtains in my bedroom! For the things I can’t control, I’ll either limit my exposure in terms of time (online shopping is a great way to avoid the sensory overwhelm of busy shops), or I’ll use noise cancelling headphones and aim for quieter times of day. I’ve not found a solution to the winter clothing issues as I need to be warm and living in Manchester that does sadly mean a lot of layers are required! I am more selective though and have found that reducing the irritations I can makes a little difference, so I’ll often not wear jewellery and tie my hair up, which gives me at least a couple fewer things to worry about.
Executive Functioning
The festive season inevitably involves a lot of plans and things to organise. This can quickly get overwhelming for me, and I struggle to keep a clear view of what I need to do and schedule in the time to actually do it. I love a to do list and will carefully plan out everything that needs buying, doing, wrapping or cooking. But often actually then doing those things can be overwhelming. I struggle with certain executive function abilities, like short-term working memory, task initiation and prioritising, so things like cooking a big meal with lots of different parts that need attention simultaneously can be really hard for me. I’ve learnt to delegate or adapt the things I struggle with. For me this means doing a lot of my shopping online to avoid the crowds and be able to just focus on the task at hand, and for Christmas Day itself my husband does a lot of the cooking. He is way better than me and actually (apparently) enjoys cooking the Christmas dinner. So, I do the bits that can be prepared in advance or don’t require lots of different elements all happening at once. We manage to strike a nice balance and focus on what we each enjoy or are better at.
My Top Tip
Probably the most important thing I do to make my Christmas enjoyable is try not to compare myself and my Christmas to others’ . I’ve always had a small family and never experienced the sort of huge multi-generational family Christmases you see depicted on TV or in films. I used to think I was missing out somehow, that that was something I ought to strive for, even though the idea of it was completely overwhelming. There is a lot of messaging about what Christmas ‘should’ look like, but for me I’ve learnt to let go of those ‘shoulds’ and focus on what actually works for me and my family, and allows us to enjoy ourselves and feel comfortable.