There is a time each year, in the late spring or early summer, that I get a strange sense of missing out. This probably sounds very strange, especially now that I’m in my late thirties (how on earth did that one happen?) but I get a pang each year when it comes to exam season. By which I suppose I mainly mean school and college exams, although I’m sure there are lots of other students at varying levels of education also partaking. By the time exams were a thing for me I’d already come to dislike school. Although, to be specific here, it wasn’t everything about school that I didn’t like. I loved learning, all the academic aspects of education were things I genuinely enjoyed. I did well, I was a very good, if incredibly quiet, student and from the outside I imagine it looked like I enjoyed it all. But the social side of school, from probably the age of about ten, was hell, and only got worse as I got older. I didn’t fit in, and I didn’t know why. I made some friends, but struggled to keep them, and often felt like they only liked me if I wasn’t actually being myself around them. Socialising was hard, and became more important and more impossible for me to understand as I got into pre-teenhood and adolescence. All of this to say, the parts of school I loved where the bits most kids moaned about. I loved the lessons, the homework, the actual learning…especially if it was solo. Group work was a nightmare for me, as was anything that involved presenting to my peers. Coursework, if solo, was quite enjoyable, but for me the absolute best parts were exams and tests.

Yes, I’m well aware that I am probably quite rare in this regard, and it’s helped by the fact that I’m lucky to be quite academic and naturally have a great memory. I completely understand that for a lot of neurodivergent folks exams are pure hell, and I can well understand that. Adjustments are hard to come by and often don’t actually help that much. Exams aren’t the best way for many students to demonstrate their knowledge or skills and definitely put some kids (myself included here) at an unfair advantage. But this isn’t an ode to the relative fairness of exams or whether they are the best measure of academic success, this is simply my view on how they felt to me. For me, exam time was safe. It was a brief respite from the usual confusion of schooldays. As we moved through GCSEs and A levels, exam time meant more individual time to focus, more quiet, more ability to excuse myself from social obligations as I ‘had to revise’. And the exams themselves were fabulous moments of silence, where I didn’t have to, indeed wasn’t allowed to talk and even looking at other people in the hall was generally frowned on. If only more of my lessons had been set up like this, I’d no doubt have had a considerably more enjoyable time in class!

Exams and tests also play into another key driver of mine, which is the need to attach numbers and values to things. Perhaps this is the oft-quoted ‘black and white thinking’ of autistics, or a need for clarity and certainty. I don’t know. What I do know is that grades, scores, percentages and the like were comforting to me. Again, this was probably helped by the fact that I usually got very high grades. I doubt the feelings would have been the same had I struggled academically – again here I thank luck more than anything, as I’ve always found taking in information pretty effortless, especially when the topic is one that interests me. At that age, wanting to do well was interest enough, although now, later in life, I need to have a genuine passion for something in order for this skill to work.

So, I loved a number, a grade, something concrete to point to and say ‘I did this right’. Probably because there were very few things in life where I actually felt I had done this at that point. Friendships, relationships, social stuff…I always felt left behind and confused. I was flunking all of those and it was pretty clear for everyone to see. But academically, doing well was at least something I could hold on to, and it meant a lot to me. Having a concrete number to hold onto is something that is a common feature throughout my life, and in other areas has certainly had quite drastically negative consequences. Think an ever decreasing number on the scale, or increasing step count and you’ll have some idea of the problems it can cause. But wanting to do well and improve in exam scores was unsurprisingly never considered problematic. I was a model student, helped by the fact that I never ever made a fuss…except perhaps to point out that the teacher had forgotten to collect our homework (something which I always found it surprising the other kids didn’t thank me for flagging!).

So now I get that pang each summer, and I’ve managed to do various bits of training through both my professional and personal life that mean I still occasionally get to experience that feeling again. And I still do the neurotypical smalltalk with parents of teenage kids, agreeing that it’s a tough time, getting through exams, and how much the kids must be looking forward to getting them over and done with…all the while remembering that small part of my education where I actually felt comfortable, in a sea of otherwise pretty terrifying confusion. So, if anyone out there has a similarly unusual soft spot for exam season, know that you’re not alone. And feel free to get in touch and perhaps we can set each other some questions, and find a lovely silent room to answer them in!